


Billith Goes Shopping

by Honeypop



Category: True Blood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-08 09:31:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/759833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeypop/pseuds/Honeypop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Chosen One, Billith, needs to get himself a new PC. HE WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO SELL HIM INFERIOR GOODS. DON'T EVEN TRY IT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Billith Goes Shopping

**Author's Note:**

> This was an anonymous prompt from my tumblr blog, so thanks to whoever requested it! I do not own the character of Billith, I simply like to imagine him doing inane, regular human tasks in his horrible, sticky, bloody form.

Billith was finding it increasingly difficult to spread the word of his divinity. He'd tried appearing in public places, rising from his blood puddle, and preaching, but mostly people just ran away screaming, or laughed. He'd siphoned some of his blood into fancy vials and tried marketing it as 'Billith's Delicious Divine Elixir', but so far he'd only managed to shift about 15 units.

He realized he needed to employ new tactics. He needed to reach the masses via the Internet.

Billith dribbled into the Lakeside Shopping Center and formed into a puddle inside the Apple Store. He rose from the blood, right in front of an assistant. He bared his fangs and screeched.

The young male recoiled.

“Ah! Please don't hurt me.”

“Do not fear me, worthless human. You will serve me. Such is your only true purpose on this earth.” Billith checked out the name tag. “Chad.”

“Er, sure.”

The human looked over Billith's red, naked form. His instinct was to run, but his extensive Apple customer service training told him to remain and make the sale.

“I'm looking for a new PC, Chad. Do you have any offers?”

“Er-”

“Do not try to sell me inferior consumable goods, Chad!” Billith spat. “I am the chosen one.”

“I wouldn't-”

“If you do not give me a good deal, you will feel my wrath.”

“What are you looking for, Sir?”

“Something compact, and easily transported.”

“Well, um, how about the iPad?”

“I don't want an iPad!” Billith screamed. “I am born of the blood of Lilith! I am the divine one! The iPad is not worthy!”

“O-okay,” Chad stuttered. “How about a MacBook Air?”

Chad gestured over to a display, and Billith calmed down.

“Hmm. This is a bit more suitable.”

“It comes in 11 and 13 inch models.”

“Yes, I can read, Chad!” Billith shouted. He looked at the description tag beside the display model. “Hmm, 1.7GHz dual-core Intel Core i5 processor.”

He leaned on the counter, his bloody fingers leaving bright red smears.

“Or, there's the-”

“Can I take it away today?” Billith interjected.

“Sure.”

“I'll take an 11 inch MacBook Air, 128GB flash storage.”

“Excellent choice, Sir.”

“And don't try to sell me any add-ons, Chad.”

“Oooh-kay.”

Chad quickly retreated to the back of the store, and Billith stood there patiently. He noticed that a few people were staring at him, but they were worthless humans, not worthy of his divine word. He considered eating a few of them, but instead tried to remain focused on the task of making his new purchase.

Chad soon returned with a box, and Billith made his way to the desk, his sticky red feet slapping against the clean white floor tiles.

“Here it is. That will be $1,099.”

“I am the chosen one, Chad. I have no need for inconsequential human currencies.”

“Well, if you're purchasing a MacBook Air you do, Sir.”

“I will be the judge of that!” Billith shouted, grabbing the box. “Bow before me, you mortal abomination!”

“Um, Rachel, can you please call security?”

“The power of the blood is mine! Behold!”

A security guard rushed in, and Billith bared his fangs and screeched. The box containing his new MacBook Air was slippery in his bloody grasp, and he tucked it beneath his arm before retreating into a bloody pool. He slithered out of the store, the box floating on top.

Chad went over and retrieved the item, and Billith carried on, oblivious, out of the Lakeside Shopping Center.


End file.
